As I wrote yesterday, I have been in kind of a funk lately. It has put a damper on my writing here at this blog. It has put a damper on everything I am supposed to be doing in my life.
I am supposed to be going to meetings
I am supposed to be calling my sponsor
I am supposed to be getting Christmas shopping done
I am supposed to be following up with work-related issues
I don't have a long Christmas list. I shop for the boys, for my niece and nephew and for Mr. Sticks. I don't exchange presents with friends. For my family of origin, we are large so we now draw a name from a hat. That means I am responsible for one person and Mr. Sticks is responsible for one person. I have been asked several times who "we" (Mr. Sticks and I) have for Christmas and I can never remember who they are. Yesterday, my mother called me and was talking about what shopping she had left to do and then she asked me, "Who do you have for Christmas?" and I told her I couldn't remember. I was on speaker so my sister, who was with her, was like, "Are you f'ing kidding? Do I have to tell you again???" So she refreshed my memory and now I finally have it. So I'll finish my shopping today. Big whoop. Who cares?
And that really sums up how I feel about this whole Christmas season. Who cares? In fact, I find the whole thing obscene. Why do we need all of the shit? All of this stuff?
The boys' presents are all done and I did enjoy buying for them because I know how berserk they are going to go when they open everything. But several times while driving and, of course, thinking, I resolved to call everyone up and say, Stop the presses! Don't buy me another thing for Christmas. I don't want anything. I have enough useless crap in my house as it is!
But I didn't because I know that it puts joy in their hearts to buy for other people. I called my sponsor last night and told her about my Scrooginess and my Hermittiness and how I would rather spend hours on Ancestry.com while the kids are at school than do anything on my aformentioned "should be doing" list.
She told me I'm not alone and a lot of people are feeling the same way because so many people are in pain and have lost so much around us, so much human suffering with the storm and then what happened in Connecticut, and it makes all the Christmas shopping and fanfair seem so disgusting. But she reminded me that I need to pray for my HP to put joy back in my heart.
So I did pray. I don't know if I would go as far as to say I have joy in my heart today, but I do feel better for having shared and I feel more gratitude today for all that I do have. I can't fix the world, only myself.
Hopefully, my next post will be a little more perky.